I want to share an “a-ha” moment that happened to me yesterday.
There is a certain part of myself I have often struggled with, and it’s given me a negative outlook on that aspect of who I am. I made a choice yesterday to do something that in all honesty is something I absolutely needed to do – but I wasn’t comfortable in the end with how I chose to execute it. It wasn’t sitting well with me as I went to bed, and I woke up still feeling that same uncertainty. I had today off, and a list of things I wanted to accomplish – but this nagging feeling of discontent was keeping me completely blocked from getting out of my head & into my day.
So – I fought back against the urge to just surrender & do nothing, I lit the new moon intention candle I’d created last Friday, got out my oracle & tarot cards & talked to the Universe. Layed out how I was feeling, asked for guidance, journaled & wrote down 3 questions for my tarot spread that I wanted to look at r/t this issue.
And let me tell you – it worked. I listened to my heart, to my intuition – the Universe gave some guidance – and instead of just walking away feeling better, I also walked away with an understanding about myself that completely changed how I look at this aspect of myself that I’ve always viewed so negatively. I’m guessing this was some unexpected shadow work – funny, because it is new to me & I wasn’t sure how it worked.
“There is no light without shadow,” said psychologist Carl Jung. This theory has been the basis for the psychological exploration of who we are by spending time looking at the darker side of ourselves & letting it inform our beliefs about who & what we are. It can teach us to embrace our shadowy side, as well as show us that sometimes, what we see as a negative trait is actually something that if used properly, is something of worth.
I wanted to share my experience because I know how easy it is to get stuck, and I wanted to encourage others to remember that when you’re feeling that way, go back to the basics – do whatever it is in your practice that brings you back to yourself & your intuition.
In a time when everything around us is so fast paced & is only getting faster, there needs to be a place of respite. A time for calm, a time to realign ourselves with who we are & what we want.
Writing brings that to me, and there is nothing more enjoyable than sharing what life is teaching you with others.
Travel also does that – it can change your perspective, giving us the ability to step back from our daily lives & reevaluate our goals & what really matters to us.
My journey of self-discovery started years ago, but my willingness to share what I was learning about myself took a backseat to my fear of showing the world who I was – the real me I was discovering. Hidden behind years of living a story I was told I should be living, a story that aligned with who I grew up believing I was, was someone who knew that something didn’t fit. Like a square trying to fit into a round hole, something wasn’t right & the harder I tried, the more my edges got scraped until I finally gave up. I accepted that where everyone else thought I belonged was the one place I didn’t. It was a world that felt comfortable for a very long time, but never real – like a shadow that is always present, but never shows the vibrancy of what created it.
Travel, on the other hand, has been a long-standing love of mine. It was never something I had to hide from – the exact opposite. It allowed me to find myself. The struggle was – and still continues to be – how to bring that person back with me into my daily life.
I spent weeks in the summer with my family in Maine, discovering the joy of getting away – but college & adulting got in the way of further travel until my husband & I had been married for quite a few years. Disney became a mainstay of our vacations for years as we raised our kids, interspersed with a week off the grid in Maine when we could get there.
It wasn’t until my older daughter spent a semester at University of Leeds that I managed to get myself to Europe – which, if you’d known me growing up, is shocking. My mom was a big BBC fan & I watched so many British shows that I felt like it was a second home. 😉 London & Yorkshire were as familiar to me as Maine & NYC. So finally getting over there as an adult really began my love affair with travel across the pond.
I’m hoping this blog will help others who find themselves on a similar journey – one of self discovery, as well as one that takes them places that help them learn more about themselves. I’d like it to be a place of hope & inspiration that we CAN be who we were born to be, if we learn to listen to our heart, and that we can find ourselves when we step outside of what our daily lives hand to us.
Why is it so hard for us to let others know our flaws? I mean, other than the ones that are self – evident, like we’re always the late one or we never fill the gas tank til the needle’s on empty. 😉
I’m talking about those little things we think are so BIG we can’t share them. Those tiny secrets that make us feel ‘less’ somehow – and that we often believe belong to us alone.
Why do we hide them?
Probably because of exactly what I said above – they make us feel like we are less. Less than perfect. Less desirable. Less fun. Less of that person – that persona – we want to world to see.
I had a moment recently that shook my views on this & made me realize that sometimes, when we share some of those things we think are so (terrible… weird … unflattering… fill in the blank) it actually makes us more. MORE relatable. MORE desirable. MORE open. It makes us real.
Real is a hard thing to be – it requires an openness & an honesty that it not easy to find every day. But when we choose it, it gives us such a gift back – we become whole.
Ever read The Velveteen Rabbit? One of my favourite childhood stories, it is about a stuffed rabbit that learns that love is what makes him real, even after he is old & shabby & missing an eye. I forget about it for long periods of time, but then in moments like these, it comes back to me.
When did that precious stuffed bunny become real? When he was loved. For all his imperfections.
Perfection doesn’t guarantee us love. In fact, nothing in this world can guarantee us that. But one thing I can promise is that being honest about who you are – what you struggle with, those flaws that you think are so ugly they need to be hidden away – brings so much healing, and can strengthen the bonds with those around you more than you can imagine. It brings such a sense of freedom into your life, because you no longer have to hide a part of what makes you who you are.
So let them go. You are beautiful. Flaws, scars, imperfections – they tell a story & are a part of what makes us unique. They are you.
I had a weird conversation with someone recently that didn’t sit right with me at the time, and the more I think about it the less comfortable with it I become.
This person had looked at some pictures on my Instagram & said to me, “It must be nice to be able to sit around and create things all day.” And I responded, “Well, I don’t really sit around & create things, I just make them when I have the time.” And they said, “Well, just to be able to have that time & not have to work & to be able to have the money to do it must be nice.”
At first I felt a little bit like I needed to defend myself, but they didn’t want to hear that my job often requires 12-16hrs shifts in order to have that extra day off… that their “well, taking care of kids isn’t really hard, right?” comment cut at my heart, having just left a child in the OR who’d been lit on fire by an irresponsible adult… that I usually use my time off just to pay bills & clean my house, not do the fun stuff they think I do all the time. They just wanted to assume I have an easy life, because how else would I do these things?
And so the conversation didn’t go much further after that because I didn’t really know what else to say & I didn’t want to get into an argument.
But it was reminiscent of a conversation I’d had a few years ago with different friend, who’d commented to me after I’d posted vacation pictures that, “It must be nice to travel so much…” and I’d jokingly said, “It is!”
Their response – which I won’t quote here but which made me realize they were NOT actually happy for me – made me stop & think, just like this did.
Why is it that when we see the product of someone’s hard work, we automatically assume it’s been easy? Like whatever it is they’ve done has come from a place of ease or from a place of plenty? And why do we begrudge them their joy, regardless?
I was told I was one of the lucky ones during this conversation, because I went to college. That because I was lucky enough to have an education, I can do these “things” which they perceived to be part of an easy life.
Yes, I went to college – but not in the easy way they assumed. It was a convoluted path, full of twists & turns, major changes & finally settling into what I wanted to study while married & pregnant with my first child. I paid for it myself, no one handed me my degree. No one bought me a car to get to class or paid off my bills, even when I was fumbling my way through classes just out of high school. I had loans, I worked multiple jobs. It was hard.
Yes, I have a house (another sticking point, for some reason) but again – no one handed it to me. I moved 9 times before settling down – twice before meeting my husband & 7 times since we got married & found our final spot. I lost a house we built & never even moved into because the post 9/11 economy killed jobs. I put my head down & worked nights for 20 years so my kids could have a mom who was home when they were & the extra income helped. What you see is the accumulation of 30 years of marriage, hard work & a lot of sweat & tears. I don’t have a housekeeper or a gardener, I have dust bunnies & a sore back. None of this has been easy.
And the travel comment. Why is this always such a thing?!?
I travel because I’d rather see the world & make memories than have a house or closet full of the latest trends. (And not that that’s a bad thing, it isn’t in the least, sometimes I’m envious of what I see elsewhere. I just have to remember it isn’t part of what truly matters to me or what I value & then I relax. 😉) Yes, my house is full & I’m glad y’all are comfortable here, but my furniture is from FB Marketplace & my decor is that trend they called Shabby Chic. My mother even got in on it & asked, more than once, when she was going to be able to travel like we did. I said, “Mom, look around – you’re an Ethan Allen/Chanel kinda gal – I’m not.” Even she didn’t get it.
So.
When will we stop assuming that just because someone does things we don’t (or maybe can’t at the moment) that it is because their life has been easy? That they haven’t worked & cried & failed & gotten back up to get it done?
Yes, of course, there are those out there lucky enough to be getting things handed to them on a silver platter. But if they’re TRULY lucky, they realize just how blessed they really are.
But most of us are just working our asses off behind the scenes of the pretty pictures we post & we’re not looking for accolades – we’re just sharing our joy. We aren’t looking for a pat on the back – or a shot in the foot.
So, if you’re looking at someone’s life through their pictures & you feel a pang – dig a little deeper. There’s usually more substance there than meets the eye.
Alchemy: “a seemingly magical process of transformation, creation, or combination.” [Oxford dictionary]
Witch: “a person thought to have magical powers.” [Oxford dictionary]
What’s in a name?
Whether it belongs to a person, a place or a thing, it is always descriptive in some form. It can conjur up an image, good or bad, depending on our experience – and it stays with us, once memories are created.
I remember back when I was in college, I worked for a semester at an after-school program for kindergarteners. It was part of a larger daycare center & was usually pretty fun work. Having children run into your arms as they get off the bus, especially when they are not yours & you can send them off to their parents in a few hours, is – for the most part – a good job in your early 20’s.
However, there were moments that weren’t so grand – and for me it usually surrounded the hours that a particular child was in my care. His name was Jacob, and he was a… well, to be kind, he was a hellion. He didn’t color, he broke crayons & threw them. He didn’t play, he hit. His voice was decibels louder than every other child in the room, and usually was filled with words I don’t even want to type… he had a gift for combining the worst of them & spewing them at anyone who wouldn’t let him do what he wanted. Seeing him get off the bus was usually the end to any good day I was having.
And so? You guessed it… Jacob became a name synonomous in my mind with everything bad about having children, and a name I knew I would never be able to use whenever I had my own. I’m sure there are many lovely children out there named Jacob, but none of them would be mine.
So you see, when it comes to words – and choosing a name – it is hard! Even when our own associations with a thing are good, knowing that others may have negative ones make it even harder.
Thus the title of this post.
The Alchemical Witch.
It is a name I have chosen for myself & for an upcoming storefront I will be opening. When? I have no idea – creating what will stock it comes first. But in order to start creating, I needed a name – somehow, for me, that had to be the first step. Having a name would center me, and be the energy behind whatever I create.
The word alchemy is easy for me – creating, transforming. Combining elements into something new. It is a word I love & feels like me.
But the word witch? That’s a different story.
The dictionary doesn’t just say “a person assumed to have magical powers”. It also says that those powers are “often especially evil ones, popularly depicted as a woman wearing a black cloak and pointed hat and flying on a broomstick.” [Oxford, as well] Merriam’s dictionary defines a witch as, “a person (especially a woman) who is credited with having (usually) malignant supernatural powers.”
Evil. Malignant. Black cloaks, pointy hats & broomsticks.
That is society’s most current view, for the most part. It doesn’t seem to matter how mainstream the idea becomes, there is still a taboo element there.
How do I view a witch? Well, based off of the ones I know & am friends with – pretty damn amazing. 😅
But seriously – we are not evil. Or malignant. Do I have a black cloak? You bet – and I wear it to the Ren Faire. A black hat? Also yes – and it’s usually on my head in October. A witchy broom? Try 3 – one sweeps, one just happens to look cool & the other is above my front door. I also have a medicinal herb garden, loads of crystals, a few tarot & oracle decks & more books on self care & spirituality than I will ever finish. I create salt baths to wash away negativity, I create moon water to help me connect to the earth & I sage my house on a regular basis to clear the energy. I have a very down-to-earth husband who adores me & tolerates my oddities, who lets me put crystals by his computer & tries not to cough too hard when the incense is burning. He loves my herbs in my cooking & thinks they are weird in my baths – but he acknowledges that I am a happier person after using them. I believe in a Higher Power & a Creator, and I acknowledge their presence in my life & in this world.
All this to say – I call myself a witch in the very best sense of the word. I am one who takes what the earth has given me & uses it to create things that better serve my place in this world.
An alchemical witch.
However – having grown up in the church & having spent my school days in the conservative religious world, the words magic/witch/alchemy/astrology (as well as a myriad of other words that are deemed “bad”, or at least alarming) can still make me twitchy. Why? Because it was ingrained in me for over 30 years that there could be no room for them in mainstream life. A normal life. A life that acknowledged the existence of a Higher Power, but only the one most commonly associated with the modern day Bible. And with this twitchiness that still exists, you’d think I’d never use them – or at least not as my own.
However – an acronym I saw a number of years ago really struck me.
W.I.T.C.H.
Woman in Total Control of Herself.
Devon Cole turned it into a song in 2023, and I love it.
Because being a witch isn’t a bad thing. Can it be? Sure – just like being anything can be turned on its head into something negative. But that does not make it inherently so.
So. The Alchemical Witch is in the house. Twitches & all.
Wanderings of a Blithe Spirit 